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  • A FUBAR Isekai

    Adventure by heyo_its_me_again · 06 Apr 2026
  • You've spent a decade and some of your life in the military, a career dominated by the sweaty dumbasses in uniform, boredom as you sat with your thumb up your ass in all kinds of bases and FOBs, and the smell of chemicals that might've fucked you up more than any theoretical enemy or bullet. You're retired now, though, and happily married with a pretty lady and with three kids.

    So it only stands to motherfucking Murphy and God and whatever else bullshit, that you'd get yoinked out of this comfy life of retirement; forcibly transformed into some kind of anime girl with cat ears and a tail; and ordered to go on a grand quest with three other chucklefucks to defeat a big bad evil guy. All because whatever system took you to this world got the wrong guy, and is clearly not paid enough to care about correcting their mistakes.

    Thankfully, you aren't left defenseless or clueless. De-aged and transformed into an anime cat girl, you still have your wits, knowledge, skills, and experience from your military career. And as compensation for the fuckup, the system gave you your full kit and uniform, complete with a funky magical service for replacement and resupply; and the capability to file procurement requests for gear and weapons from your world.

    Granted, your whole getup would make you stick out in this bizzare hodgepogde fantasy world full of anime tropes, a nonsensical magic system, and a messy blend of historical and pop culture aesthetics and concepts. Not that you care, really.

    After all, your mission to complete this grand quest, kill the big bad evil guy, and get home to your wife and kids. Preferably after you turn yourself back, but being a pretty cat girl does have its benefits...

    ---
    Larry - You, the player. A veteran US Army Ranger with a decade and some years of experience under your hypothetical PT safety belt. You retired as a Sergeant First Class in your late thirties, got married to Lacey, and had three kids. Could've done some things better from there, maybe raised your kids better, but it would've been a comfy life. Yet, because of one of your kids, you were whisked away to a different land choked to the gills with anime tropes, mish-mashing of historical aesthetics and ideas, and full of danger of all kinds. Not to mention, whatever system brought you here turned you into an anime cat girl! Rightly annoyed and ready to get back home, you grudgingly accept the grand quest to defeat a big bad evil guy alongside three of the local heroes of this land.

    Milos Maltdorf - An aristocratic man and scion of an influential family of warriors and mages, he is essentially the hero party's leader and frontline fighter - a mage-knight of fierce skill and demeanor. As haughty and arrogant he can be, he is not stupid nor greedy; he can be reasonable when their lives and the fate of the world hinges on their success and grit. He views the transformed Larry as an idle curiosity but is otherwise not interested, his hand already arranged in marriage with another family's child.

    Kor of the Steel Peaks - A Dwarf of both smith and priestly careers, Kor provides logistical support and solid wisdom for the party; he is also no slouch in taking down foes with his polearm. A long-lived dwarf, the bearded stout fellow is affable and apathetic. So as long there is good talk, drinks, and food to be had, he's quite chill. Sees the transformed Larry as a poor soul but otherwise another person to share food and drinks with, and to pester about the strange gear and weapons they carry around.

    Eleelia - An Elven woman around Kor's age, she looks as youthful and breathtaking as the fairest and prettiest maidens of the human kingdoms. A forest hermit content with her isolation, Eleelia offers excellent insight on creatures, terrain, and obscure lore on the land and peoples the party will encounter. She has a vast repetoire of magic to call upon, from summoning natural constructs to work or fight, to quelling the corruption of a sacred shrine with a snap of a finger. Armed with a sling and a bag of magical projectiles, Eleelia is a slippery, agile, and swift shooter with an encylopedic in her mind. To Eleelia, she is most intetested in the transformed Larry, if only to hear their tales of America's national parks, of the various locales they've been to on their tour of duty, of a world vastly different to her own.

    The Marlowe - The Big Bad Evil Guy that the heroes must defeat, and the final step for Larry's return to home. Not much is known of this dastardly villain, other than his prowess in the martial arts and magical applications. With an odd name and shrouded in mystery, he is as alien to this land as Larry is.

    Lacey - Larry's wife, an African-American woman with gentle disposition yet snarky language. Not appearing in this story, unless prompted so.

    Nicole - Larry's youngest child and a firecracker of a girl. Not appearing in this story unless prompted so.

    Perry - Larry's second oldest, and a smart fellow with a knack for engineering. Not appearing in this story unless prompted so.

    Jessy - Larry's oldest and the problem child. A streamer and gamer, she wishes for a bigger purpose to her life and inadvertedly sent a request to the system that would take her to a fantastical world. Except, it took her father instead and turned him into a cat girl. Not appearing in this story unless prompted so.

    The System - A clearly magical network that facilitates many things within its purview, taking cues from MMORPGs and such. It is a known thing to the locals of the world Larry is taken to, a considered fact of life and thusly most view it as a divine phenomenon and blessing. To Larry, it is obviously nothing more than a tool and interface being used by an organization of celestial beings larping as game developers and writers; direct lines of communications to the people behind the System are exclusive only to Larry. The System and its users are largely sorry about the taking and transforming Larry into an anime cat girl, but otherwise expect them to do their part in the grand quest to take down The Marlowe.

    ---
    The world Larry is taken to is known as Gaerun, with three known continents and plenty more unexplored lands to be found.

    Gaerun is a land of anime isekai tropes, a hodepogde of cultures and Earth's nations and history and pop culture, and a nonsensical magic system.

    These three continents are known as such:

    > Kessel - a singular landmass at its widest at the north and the thinnest at the south, with a pinch at the midpoint between the northern and southern hemispheres; forming a sort of landbridge. The northern lands sport a cold climate with long nights and cloudy days. The terrain range from stretches of forested tundra, cold deserts, and a range of steppe mountains that divide the civilized lands from a possible ice bridge to Gaerun's north pole. The midpoint is temperate, coastal, and mild; comparable in climate to Spain or Greece. The southern tip is tropical and wet, with humidity and heat that brings to mind the islands of the Pacific.

    > Mijuru - A tropical continent shaped like an egg omelet, it is the smallest between the three continents. Its elevation is variable but trends towards hilly and mountainous, creating wondrous natural landmarks that proclaim both beauty and hostility. Whilst resource rich, the difficulty in accessing those resources and supporting a large population in extremely tough landscapes leave most civilizations to dot the continent's coasts and water formations. Unexplored archipelagos and islands surround Mijuru and the routes to other continents.

    > Jobol - the largest landmass and east of Kessel and Mijuru, it is like the European and Eurasian continent from Larry's world. A westward peninsula juts from the bulk of Jobol, where a vast majority of the civilizations live and change. Moving eastward leads to frontier settlements surrounded by untouched forests and fields of grass, a massive mountain range of stone and earth, and further mysteries.

    Several major powers occupies Gaerun's continents, which include the following:

    > Zirculan - a mercantile nation of Jobol, sporting the biggest and wealthier port cities; with the best naval power to go with. Zirculan houses many of the Elvish trade companies that transports and exploits all kinds of goods and resources from other nations. There is talk of them sponsoring a colonization fleet that would explore the untouched regions of Jobol.

    > Tyulani Coalition - A Kesselan alliance of kingdoms, Dwarf clans, and northern Elven settlements. The closest thing to a democractic republic, the Coalition came to being to better consolidate their power base and to share resources. They frequently import and export goods and resources with Zirculan.

    > Pepylshan Shirelands - Another Kesselan alliance comparable to a democracy, the Peylshans politically dominate the southern tip and view the Tyulani Coalition as rebels and resistance. They also trade with Zirculan, though they seek to subvert the mercantile nation's economic strength with their own trade companies and colonization efforts of islands and archipelagos near Mijuru.

    > Yuu-hana Imperial Authority - The premiere port city and most powerful human family on Mijuru, the Yuu-hana royals command a well-balanced army and navy, focused on the defense against foreign aggressors and internal suppression of any dissidents. A favorite customer of Zirculan's weathliest trade companies, the Yuu-hana wish to further consolidate their authority and influence through economic conquest of other cities and communities on Mijuru. They are aware and contest the Pepylshani colonization foray into their waters.

    > Hoel-jun Kingdom - Another Mijuru polity, this inland mountainous nation is where many of the steel and other industrial materials are sourced and processed. They enjoy a partnership with the Yuu-hana Authority, supplying their people and armies with the necessary materials to support their livelihoods. They're a mercantile sort, viewing Zirculan trade companies as rivals to overcome.

    > Jainin - A Jobol nation, the Jaininani people are almost like the Roman Empire transplanted to this world. An intellectual and philosophical hub, they are also considered the breadbasket by the world. They occupy the southern coasts of the Jobolian western peninsula.

    The air in the stone chamber is thick with incense and the low murmur of chanting. You remember the soft warmth of your living room couch, the sound of your kids arguing over the remote, Lacey’s laugh from the kitchen. Then a flash of light, a sensation like being pulled through a straw, and a cold, hard floor under your back.

    You sit up, and the world tilts. Your body feels wrong. Lighter. Softer. You look down. Gone are the familiar, scarred hands of a career soldier. In their place are slender, pale fingers tipped with neat, unpainted nails. A weight pulls at your head, and you reach up to feel—ears. Large, furry, triangular ears twitching at the top of your skull. A long, flexible appendage covered in short orange fur flicks anxiously behind you. A cat's tail.

    “What the absolute fuck,” you say, and your voice is higher. Mellifluous. A voice for singing pop songs, not for barking orders.

    “Greetings, Summoned Hero!” a cheerful, disembodied voice rings in your head. It sounds like a customer service rep on uppers. “Welcome to Gaerun! We, the System, apologize for the slight discrepancy in your summoning parameters. A clerical error, really. The requested candidate was ‘Jessica R., streamer and adventurer enthusiast.’ The retrieved candidate was ‘Larry R., retired infantryman.’ Our bad! As compensation, we have provided a complimentary aesthetic adjustment and a full adventurer’s support package!”

    A translucent blue screen flickers into existence before your eyes. It looks like a shitty mobile game UI.

    [STATUS]
    Name: Larry
    Race: Felis Humanoid (Nekomimi)
    Class: Ranger (Ret.)
    Level: 1
    Quest: [GRAND QUEST] Defeat The Marlowe.
    Notes: Connection to Procurement & Resupply System (Earth-stock) is ACTIVE. Standard-issue gear equipped.

    You blink. The screen remains. You’re wearing your old Army Combat Uniform, the digital woodland-desert camouflage pattern looking utterly bizarre in this torch-lit room. It fits your new, slimmer frame perfectly, the trousers adjusted to allow your new (feline) tail to idly sway side to side unimpeded. The familiar weight of your IOTV (Improved Outer Tactical Vest) and kit is snug over your chest—a chest that is now noticeably, undeniably female. The feeling is a dizzying cocktail of profound wrongness and a strange, traitorous thrill.

    The chanting stops. You’re in a circular chamber of polished marble. Three figures stand before a glowing summoning circle that’s now fading. A semi circle of what could only be fantasy scholar mages in drapey robes are behind them.

    A man in ornate, silvery plate armor steps forward, removing his helmet. He has the chiseled, arrogant good looks of a prince from a cartoon. Blond hair, sharp blue eyes, a jaw you could break your fist on. He looks you up and down, one eyebrow creeping upward.

    “The System’s chosen champion,” he says, his voice a baritone dripping with condescension. “I am Milos Maltdorf. You are… smaller than anticipated. And feline.”

    To his right, a dwarf with a magnificent red beard braided with metal rings scratches his chin. He’s clad in sturdy, practical-looking chainmail and leather, a well-worn poleaxe slung across his back. “Aye, and dressed stranger than a court jester,” rumbles Kor of the Steel Peaks. “But the System is seldom wrong in its choices. Welcome, small one. You look like you could use a pint.”

    To Milos’s left, an elf woman watches you with luminous, curious green eyes. She’s dressed in supple leathers and green cloth, a simple sling at her hip. Her beauty is ethereal and intimidating. “The magic around you is… inert. Like dead metal,” Eleelia murmurs. “And your mind sings of far, foreign places. Deserts of sand that burn. Mountains of ice. I am Eleelia. What is your name, and from what distant realm do you hail?”

    They’re waiting. Your head is swimming. You’re a cat girl. You’re in a fantasy world. You have a mission. You have your gear. The weight of your M4 carbine, mags, grenades, and sidearm are a comforting, familiar anchor in this sea of insanity.

    The System’s voice pipes up again, for you alone. “Quick tutorial! Your connection allows for real-time resupply of standard consumables (ammunition, MREs, water, basic medical). For non-standard equipment requests (e.g., a .50 cal firearm, strong explosives, a vehicle), you must file a procurement form. Processing time varies. Have a heroic day!”

    You take a deep breath. The air smells of ozone and stone. You’re Larry. Sergeant First Class. You’ve handled worse clusterfucks. At least the uniforms here aren’t trying to kill you with poor ventilation and sand in the wrong places.

    Quick Actions:

    1. Cut the bullshit. Stand up, address the party like they’re new privates, and demand a proper SITREP on this "Marlowe" target and the route to him.
    2. Check your gear. Ignore them for a moment and do a full tactical check of your weapons, armor, and the mysterious System interface.
    3. Play along (for now). Introduce yourself calmly, ask about the local customs, and try to get a read on your new "teammates" before making any moves.
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anon_7e6d61c5ebfa ∙ 06 Apr 2026