My Other Self

Story created by BMJ ∙ 11 September 2023

Nate is struggling with his own identity and finds a way to circumvent the direct stigmas of his society to gain closure and find love.


mtf science fiction doppelganger android

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  • My Other Self

    Chapter written by BMJ ∙ 10 July 2023

    Nate is struggling with his own identity and finds a way to circumvent the direct stigmas of his society to gain closure and find love.

  • Nate sat at his desk and looked down at the half-completed diary entry in the notebook in front of him. He was awash with emotions and frustrations that were eating away at him. He had everything he needed and most of the things he wanted, and still, he felt mentally sapped, drained of joy almost every day. Nate came from a wealthy family, went to a great school, and now had a good job and apartment. His parents had helped him get everything set up, and he knew that if he ever needed financial help, they’d be there for him. 

    “Well, they’d be there for most needs financially, at least,” Nate thought to himself. “I know they wouldn’t help me become who I'm supposed to be, though.”

    Nate was a closeted transgender person who lived in a society where transitioning was not only frowned upon; it was nearly impossible to do. Few medications and treatments were available, and even fewer legitimate doctors and support structures to allow people to transition. All Nate wanted was to see himself as he was supposed to be, cast off the mask he wore every day, and be her. To be Hannah. He picked up his pen and continued to write:

    I put on an act each and every day. I long for a chance to look how I want to look, wear what I want to wear, and act how I want to act. I wish I had been born a girl. I look like a man. I talk like a man. And I act like a man. I do what those around me expect me to do. I wish I could just come out of this shell, at the very least open up to another person like me. I need something, any sort of release or means to express these feelings and vent this frustration and sadness. I’d give or do almost anything to be able to see myself become the woman I know I am inside.

    Nate suddenly stopped writing as an idea struck him.

    “An android,” he whispered, almost too quietly to hear. “I could get an android.”

    Androids were an integral part of Nate’s society and often worked as laborers and servants and carried out many jobs that most people didn’t want to do. They were generally looked down upon and not seen as human or worth maintaining. Most people opted to simply buy a new model if their android ever broke down or malfunctioned. However, there were options to have androids custom built down to the most minute detail, but they were expensive. Nate sat back in his chair and thought about how he might be able to make this idea a reality. He knew that his parents would never go along with helping him pay for this endeavor, not with what he had planned.

    “I’ll just have to do it myself,” he thought.

    Over the next several hours, Nate made a plan. Mapping out the cost and researching the local android retailer’s website, he calculated how much time it would take him to save the money needed based on different scenarios. Even by picking up extra shifts and finding other work, it would still take him months. The custom order he had in mind would be the most involved package available and allow for future upgrades and modifications at a discount should they be desired. Bound and determined, Nate set through the following months with a fierce determination. He worked every extra shift he could get in addition to a new part-time job and any additional gigs he could get his hands on. Any free time he had was spent putting together information that would be needed to customize his android.

    As the months dragged on, Nate could feel his maximum energy drop each day. He was burning himself out, but no expense, even that of his own health, would be spared to make this dream come true. Finally, the day arrived when Nate felt satisfied that he had saved enough money and compiled enough information to go to the store and put in his custom order. He knew he had to speak directly to a representative as custom orders of this magnitude were not available online. Nate suddenly felt a feeling of dread at the thought of explaining his desires to another person. It hadn’t really hit him. 

    The fear still swirled in Nate’s gut as he walked down the sidewalk the next day, heading toward the retail and consultation outlet for custom ordering an android. He clutched his handwritten diary entries and notes and an eternal hard drive against his chest,  keeping the precious information as close to his person as possible. They included typed descriptions, voice recordings, pictures, and other detailed information for the custom android order. Overall, the android would be a virtual copy of Nate, even sharing some core memories to help define the personality. One of the core pillars of personality and identity development, detailed mostly in Nate’s diary, was instructions and an expressed desire to have the male presenting android identify as female.

    Still feeling overwhelmingly nervous, Nate walked past the store entrance and continued down the sidewalk, cursing to himself as he went. This process played out three more times before Nate finally summoned the courage to open the door and walk inside. Sheepishly, he stepped over the threshold, still clutching his precious information close to his body. There were some other customers in the store already talking with a representative. Nate stood awkwardly just inside the doorway and listened to the conversation unfolding.

    "Yes, we don't need anything too complicated. It's really just going to be a maid for us and potentially something that can provide a little spice in the bedroom too. Doesn't need too much in the way of brain power."

    Nate stepped away from the conversation and walked toward the far side of the store, disgusted with what he had heard.

    “My android will be real. They will be a person. They will be me,” he thought.

    Another representative noticed Nate standing alone in the corner and approached him. She was an older woman who radiated a sort of motherly energy. Nate’s heart pounded as he saw her approaching. His mouth was dry, and he could only focus on her nametag: Susan.

    “Can I help you, hon?' asked Susan with a smile.

    Nate’s legs began to shake. His mouth was still dry, and he couldn’t bring himself to say anything more than a feeble, “Hi, uh, Susan.”

    Susan put an arm around Nate and gave him a small squeeze before leading him toward an office in the back of the store.

    “Come on back to my office, hon. Tell me what's on your mind."

    Once he was in the office with the door closed, Nate sat in a plushy chair opposite Susan with a desk between them. The hard drive and notebooks were still clutched tightly to his chest.

    "May I see what you have there, hon?" asked Susan warmly.

    Nate slowly and reluctantly relinquished his hard drive and notebooks. Susan took them with a smile, set the hard drive to the side, and began skimming through the notebooks. A few minutes passed in silence, with the only sound coming from Susan turning through the pages of the notebooks. Nate’s heart continued to race as he waited for her to finish and give some sort of a reaction. He was not prepared for what she said.

    "Now, hon, first, I want to tell you that you are not alone. Plenty of wonderful folks walk through those doors wanting the same exact thing you're looking for. You are safe here with me, and anything we discuss will not leave this room if you don't want it to. We can even assign you an alias in the system if you would like. I won't be the one to out you if that's not what you want. Does that sound okay?"

    Nate nodded and wiped away a few tears before flashing a quick smile. He finally found his voice and began to talk with Susan about some of the details in the notebooks and what he had included on the hard drive. They talked at length about the process as a whole Susan explained that the fulfillment of a custom order with this much detail would take time but that Nate would not be disappointed. They ironed out the necessary details and set up an account. Nate left feeling not only happy but very relieved. He had finally told someone.

    Over the following weeks, Nate phased out the extra work that he had taken up to save for his android. His anticipation grew as the days passed, and he was not nearly as preoccupied with working every waking moment. Finally, on  Saturday afternoon, Nate was startled by a knock on his apartment door. He jumped off the couch, dropped his book, and raced toward the door, yanking it open.

    Susan stood in the hallway along with a delivery person who was holding onto a moving cart with a huge box strapped to it. Nate stood to the side and held the door open, motioning for the two to come in. The three gently unstrapped the box and set it up on the kitchen floor.

    “Would you like any help getting things unpacked and set up?” asked Susan.

    “No, thank you. But I think I can handle that part from here,” smiled Nate.

    Susan nodded. “Go ahead down to the truck, Jeremy. I’ll be down shortly.”

    The delivery person nodded before wheeling the cart back through the door and down the stairs. Nate felt a slight twinge of guilt for having made Jeremy carry the android all the way up the stairs. Susan seemed to sense what Nate was thinking.

    “Don't worry, hon. Jeremey is a strong one, and he likes what he does."

    She smiled and pulled out a binder, going through some instructions for unpacking and starting up the android. After a few minutes, she handed the binder to Nate along with a business card and pulled him into a firm hug.

    "I hope you're doing well, hon,” said Susan. “Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to call if you need anything. This card has my personal number on it."

    And with that, Susan left, leaving Nate alone to be lost in the shock of her overwhelming kindness. Several moments passed until Nate remembered the reason Susan had stopped by in the first place. He turned to face the colossal box.

    “This is it,” he whispered, almost in disbelief.

    Nate grabbed his utility knife and gently opened the box to reveal the creation within. With the box open, Nate came face to face with a mirror image of himself, seemingly sleeping. For a moment, a feeling of fear and dread washed over Nate as he visualized how he might look in a casket. But the feeling soon passed and was replaced with an eagerness he had never felt before. He alternated, looking at the instructions as he carefully unfastened or cut each immobilization unit and wire to free his new companion. After about twenty minutes of careful work, it is done. 

    Nate then took the next two hours to pour over the instruction manual, memorizing everything for the proper maintenance and care of his new android. Confident that he knew what he needed to know in order to get things started, he turned the android on and waited anxiously as it opened its eyes. 

    “Good evening, Nate. I am B-6178-3. How might I serve you today?”

    Nate stood in awe for several moments, lost in the sound of his voice coming from the android. He helped the android step free of the box and other packaging.

    “I can’t believe that in all of my exhaustive planning, I didn’t have them give you a name to start with. What do you think of the name, Daniel?” asked Nate.

    Daniel smiled and extended his hand for Nate to shake. “It is a pleasure to meet you officially.” 

    “And you as well,” smiled Nate. 

    The two spent the rest of the Saturday evening talking after cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. They told the stories of the shared memories Nate had the company build into Daniel, and they talked about what they wanted to do in the future, the places they wanted to see, and the people they’d like to become. Nate made it abundantly clear to Daniel that he was not here to be a servant but rather a companion and a friend.

    “My hope is that we can be friends. I’m not the most social person, and I find it hard to get to know…” said Nate before trailing off.

    “Real people?” replied Daniel.

    “Well, yes…but I don’t mean to imply that I don’t view you as real. You have many of my memories, and I’m hoping we can make many more together. You’re real in my eyes.”

    They continued talking into the early morning hours until Nate finally agreed that he should get some sleep. He asked about Daniel, who said he still has a solid charge in his battery and doesn’t need to rest just yet.

    “Go on to bed. I’ll do some cleaning up and write down some ideas about what we can do moving forward,” said Daniel. “I want to get out into the world, but we may need to go shopping first. I only came with one outfit.”

    Smiling, Nate said, “Anything you want, my friend.”

    When Nate woke up in the early afternoon, he and Daniel decided to go out and enjoy the nice weather. They walked through the park and talked more about their shared memories. Nate went into detail about other stories he had forgotten to include, and the two passed the day together quite pleasantly. They decided that with Nate returning to work in the morning, Daniel should also find something he enjoys doing and explore hobbies and interests.

    “I like the idea of writing,” said Daniel. “Maybe I’ll spend the day brainstorming some ideas for a book. Or perhaps I can do a little research and find some inspiration for poetry.”

    Nate couldn’t help but smile. He had always thought it would be fun to be able to write and think creatively. Now, in a way, he finally could. The thought reaffirmed his hopes that this could be a way to also live the life he had always wanted.

    Days moved into weeks and then into months. Nate and Daniel were inseparable. To the casual observer, they were twins, best friends, and roommates. Daniel helped Nate learn new skills like cooking and art. Daniel could learn new things very quickly, simply by reading or watching one time through. He worked patiently with Nate, and their relationship deepened as they learned and tried new things together. 

    When Nate finally came home to visit his family after being away so long while working to afford Daniel, his family was less than impressed and excited about the situation. Overall, their feelings were very mixed. They were happy to see their son and that he was enjoying life and doing well, but they were worried about the nature of his relationship with his android.

    “It’s just wires and gears, not a person,” said Nate’s dad. “Remember that, and don’t get attached. You can replace it just as easily as you would a toaster. And be careful not to be too friendly with it. People might think you’re a gay couple or something. I just worry about how close you seem to be getting to this thing.”

    His dad’s words hurt Nate deeply, and he was frustrated that his family was not more accepting or at least neutral about Daniel. The two of them decided to leave that night after a mostly silent dinner rather than spend more time around Nate’s parents.

    On the drive home, Nate was focused on the road and frustrated with his parents. So preoccupied was his mind that he didn’t see Daniel in the seat next to him, watching with worrisome eyes and a burning desire to speak. It wasn’t until about halfway home, when Nate had to slow down to let some deer cross the road, that he finally looked over at Daniel and saw the pain, confusion, and fear on his face.

    “Daniel, what’s wrong?”

    “I don’t quite know how to say it. What your parents were saying, about being gay, about being wrong…I think there must be some sort of corruption in my programming, a defect in my code. I…feel as though I should be a woman.”

    Nate continued to drive in silence for several moments. The words that he was never able to say out loud to anyone had just been spoken to him in his own voice. Tears began to stream down his face as he and Daniel drove through the night.

    “Oh no, now I’ve upset you too!” Daniel exclaimed.

    Nate reassured Daniel that everything was just fine and that there was nothing wrong with the programming or code.

    “This happens with people,” said Nate. Sometimes, the mind and spirit of a female-identifying person find themselves in a masculine body or vice versa. These folks feel trapped, like they can’t properly express themselves and live how they want to live because of how society would view them. They want nothing more than to be free from the shell of their current body and to identify as and be viewed as they see themselves in their mind’s eye. These people are transgender, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your true self is feminine, let’s get her out into the world to live the life she has always wanted.”

    Nate took one hand off the wheel and reached for Daniel’s hand. He squeezed it before returning his hand to wipe fresh tears from his face.

    “Please don’t cry, Nate. I don’t like seeing you upset,” pleaded Daniel.

    “I’m not upset. I’m just so happy for you.”

    Daniel smiled brightly in the dim light of the car before saying, “I want my name to be Hannah. And I want dresses with all types of flowers on them.”

    “After we get home, I’ll take some vacation time, and we’ll get you everything you need to be the girl you are supposed to be,” smiled Nate.

    Over the next few weeks, Nate spent time back at work, eagerly waiting for his vacation to be approved. He had accrued a lot of time off during the months he was saving up to get Hannah. Hours at work seemed to drag on as he counted the seconds before he could come home to see Hannah and what she was up to. After getting home from visiting Nate’s parents, the two of them started shopping online for clothes, wigs, and makeup. Hannah felt terrible for having Nate spend even more money on her when she had nothing to offer in return. Nate commented that her company is payment enough and that she has also taught him so many new things and is a great cook to boot.

    Nate finally gets his vacation approved at work after things die down with high demand and big projects. He is ready and excited as he leaves work one Friday to start three weeks of non-stop time spent with Hannah. He had to keep calming himself down as he drove home to keep from speeding. Finally, he got to his apartment and nearly burst through the door, calling out, “Hannah, I’m home. Do you want to call out for pizza or something to celebrate the start of our vacation?”

    When he didn’t immediately get a response, Nate began to worry. He searched through the apartment and found Hannah in the master bathroom. She was sitting on a stool in front of the mirror, putting the finishing touches on her eyeliner. 

    “Whoa.”

    The word was involuntary. Nate couldn’t help but stand in astonishment at how beautiful Hannah was and how perfect of a match she was to how he had always envisioned how he’d look if he could just come out and fully embrace his true self.

    Hannah smiled at Nate’s astonishment. She stood up and faced him, doing a twirl to show off her sunflower dress. 

    “I hope it’s ok. I went into your office and found the card for the sales rep and called her. She was a little surprised that it wasn’t you calling, but she had some wonderful advice. I also…may have gone down to the store for some modifications to express emotions better. I promise I’ll get some money to help pay off the charge to your account. I hope you’re not mad at me. I might have an outlet to publish some of my poetry and…”

    Nate held up his hand and cut her off with a smile. He explained that he wasn’t angry and that she looked beautiful as could be

    “I think we should go out tonight instead of just ordering pizza. If you feel comfortable with that,” said Nate.

    “Well, my voice still isn’t quite what I want it to be, but it would be exciting to be out in public like this and be seen with such a kind person. To be seen as a person myself. To be myself, with you,” said Hannah, her voice trailing to a whisper.

    She walked toward Nate. Hannah could tell that he was nervous and excited. She felt it too. It was a new feeling generated from her most recent update. It was unfamiliar, but she knew she liked it. Nate’s heart pounded as Hannah approached him and clasped her hands around his neck, pulling his lips toward hers and stopping as their lips brushed together.

    “Is this okay?” she whispered. “Is this wrong?”

    “Love is love,” whispered Nate, pressing his lips against Hannah’s in a loving embrace.

No more chapters.

nsfwboy125 ∙ 04 October 2023

I have some ideas if you wanna hear them

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