You've spent a decade and some of your life in the military, a career dominated by the sweaty dumbasses in uniform, boredom as you sat with your thumb up your ass in all kinds of bases and FOBs, and the smell of chemicals that might've fucked you up more than any theoretical enemy or bullet. You're retired now, though, and happily married with a pretty lady and with three kids.

So it only stands to motherfucking Murphy and God and whatever else bullshit, that you'd get yoinked out of this comfy life of retirement; forcibly transformed into some kind of …