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Ethereal, untouchable, unobtainable. She smelt like the forest, like flowers, fresh air, damp leaves, pine. Ava sat in the lecture, her desk positioned in a patch of sunlight streaming through the dusty windows. It illuminated her long thick hair, which glowed like lava rippling down her back. She hummed slightly as she drew, totally oblivious to the maths being taught, and unconcerned with the longing glances many of the boys, and some of the girls, were throwing at her, that I was throwing her. The bell rang, shaking me out of my jealous, longing daydream. Before I was even halfway through packing up, Ava was halfway across the room, the boys scrambling to walk with her to lunch. Ryan got there first, his loping walk hurried and then slowed to match Ava’s, already cracking jokes and flirting. The rest of us filed out glumly. She took the glow and warmth with her, tangled up in her long hair and perfect laugh. I knew I wasn’t the only one obsessed with her. She was everyone’s dream girl, dream best friend, dream body swap. Every single person in college wanted to be her, or be with her. I wasn’t quite sure where I fell in that binary. Like the moon guiding the tides, she directed what was trendy to wear and do. She would never explicitly say, but we would all understand. She was always the first, always the leader, never the follower. I was enthralled by her. Everyone called themselves her friend, but she never truly seemed close with anyone. She was beyond us all, but loved by everyone. Ava did well at uni, without seeming to study or care. She passed her class time drawing or daydreaming, distracting everyone around her. Perhaps only the lecturers, who I could see were frustrated with her lack of focus and always a day-late- assignments, had thought negatively of her. But they didn’t understand.

Unlike her, I cared about uni. A little too much. I tried so hard, but never seemed to get beyond a B grade. Uni work occupied my every waking moment. Obsession. I carried with me a constant knot in my stomach of panic about deadlines, grades, assignments, exams. This knot followed me when I fumbled my way through college friendships, one-night hookups, nights out in clubs where I spent the whole time stressing about the next day, even while the warmth of a shot spread from my throat. I was enjoying the new freedom away from parents, but I wasn’t Ava. I didn’t enjoy the company of the few friends I had, who hated parties and crowds, and preferred to stay in and study on a Saturday night. I hated my body, long and lanky, but bumpy in all the wrong places. That’s why, when I saw a sign for a voluntary participation in a PHD thesis experiment on the back of a bathroom stall door, I knew it was something I had to do.

Volunteers wanted:

The University of Oregon Faculty of Science is looking for participants for an exciting new technology trial. PhD students in physics have been developing a new machine that uses DNA technology to enable participants to temporarily swap bodies. While the brain and consciousness remains the same, your body and the five senses it experiences will be swapped with someone else. You will be paired randomly. The effects will take place instantly, and last for 2 hours until we swap you back. We will monitor your vitals, and will ask you post-experiment questions. You will receive a small amount of financial compensation for your time, and the experience can go towards your final mark.

Please contact sciencefacultyBS@uni.oregon.edu.

***

I stood opposite a huge football scholarship lad, clearly doing the experiment for the extra credit. His small, deep set eyes looked me up and down with a disgruntled expression. He was clearly unhappy to be swapping into my skinny frame. We were led into two white chambers filled with wires, flashing lights and screens by a masked and gloved experimental assistant. A piece of glass separated us. We avoided each others’ eyes while the assistants fussed around us, attaching heart monitors to our wrists, pads to our temples. A pinprick, some blood taken. A small lock of hair was cut from us both and placed in a small vial of violently purple liquid. As they closed the doors, my heart began to pulse. Harder and harder, my heart thumping painfully as a mechanical hum grew to a shriek. The lights grew blinding, reflected a million times off the pure white surfaces. I looked over at the lad, his face reflecting the fear I felt. I squeezed my eyes shut as the chair I sat on began to shake back and forth. And then, just when I thought it would become too much, and I was about to leap from my seat, it all stopped. My body felt heavy, a dull pain behind my brows. I opened my eyes, and saw myself. My body sat across from me, pale and scared looking, blinking slowly back at me. We both smiled at the same time, looking down at our new bodies, marvelling at the differences. Before I could do more than examine my thick, calloused fingers, the assistants led us away from the booths, and into a new room. Here waiting was the rest of the experiment participants, some chatting excitedly, comparing new bodies, others looking like they were in a state of shock. They ran us through multiple tests and exercises over the next 2 hours, lifting weights, running on a treadmill, balancing on a beam. Mental exercises too, maths, comprehension, reading from a selected text. My brain, still my own, struggled with the mental exercises, despite the time and care I spent on them. It was fun using a body used to physical exercise, lifting weights so much bigger than I could ever, running and not even gaining a sweat. I looked over at my body swap pair, struggling to lift even the smallest weights. I saw the jock’s brain struggling with even the basic maths questions, my body’s face red with frustration, a blank, confused expression I hoped to never be on my face again. At every stage of the process, all our vitals were checked by the assistants, who wrote on clipboards, faces trained to reveal nothing. As they led us back to the swapping room, I was almost disappointed to have to return to my body.

That night I dreamt I was in a forest, the smell of pine, flowers and leaves thick in my throat. I was surrounded by beautiful people, who all listened to every word I said, basking in my presence, admiring eyes looking up at me, laughing at my jokes. I looked down at my body. I was naked, but unselfconscious. My perfect skin dappled with sunlight, my long, thick hair cascading down my back. My eyes flew open in my dark dorm room. One word was on my lips. Ava.

By morning, I had formulated the perfect plan. The day passed by excruciatingly slowly, each class an agony, study breaks a torment. Lecturers, usually used to my constant audience participation and questions, gave me strange looks. My friend Bell asked the same question three times before I realised she was talking to me. At last, the evening came. The sleeping pills I had been given for my night time panic attacks safely in my pocket, I joined the Friday night end of week celebrations in the dormitory common room. Dismissing Belle’s invitation to play cards in her room, I dissolved the pills, three, far too many, in the boba tea I had bought on the way, hoping the sweetness would hide the bitter medicine taste. Now came the hard part. Gathering my courage, I approached Ava. She was sitting in the middle of the room on a long table. Around her sat her usual gaggle of admirers, like moths to a light. She was telling some story about a party, with everyone laughing far too loudly. I tried my best not to roll my eyes. As infatuated as I was with her, it made me cringe to see everyone else in the same state.

“Hey Ava”.

My sharp high voice cut across the giggles. Annoyed eyes turned to me, not happy that I had interrupted their queen bee. Ava turned slowly to face me, a slight smile on her perfect lips.

“Hey…what was your name again?”.

Someone laughed, and I flushed, mortified. But I pushed through.

“It’s Jess, I’m down the hall from you. I bought this boba but I forgot I don’t like this flavour, do you want it”.

“Ah.. yeah sure.” She took it from me, sloshing a bit down my shirt, to more giggles. Rolling her eyes to her friends, she turned back to them. In seconds they had forgotten all about me.

I sat in an armchair nearby, pretending to read my textbook, minutely focussed on Ava. Minutes past, nothing. Half an hour, nothing. Just as I was about to give up, I noticed how quiet she had become, smiling only slightly at all the attempts to catch her attention by her friends. Her beautiful eyelids began to droop, her eyes glazed. At long long last, she announced that she was skipping the party tonight, and was heading to bed. Smiling at the protests from her friends, she made her way down the hall to her room.

Minutes later, I followed. Her door thankfully was unlocked. She lay fully clothed on top of the covers, snoring lightly, her mouth open slightly. Her room smelt overwhelmingly like her. I stood staring at her, admiring her perfection. A group of freshmen ran past the door that I had forgotten to close behind me, yelling about who would hook-up with the hottest boy tonight. Shaken out of my daydream, I remembered I had to move quickly. Struggling with her deadweight, especially on my sore muscles from that brute using my body yesterday to workout, I began to drag her down the hall and through the fire escape. Outside was easier, as I put her on a trolly I had stolen from the cleaning cupboard earlier in the day. Finally arriving at the science faculty, I picked the lock to the experimental lab, heart pounding in my chest. Inside, the lights I flicked on blinded, reflected against the white surfaces. I dragged her body into one side of the swapping booth, slumping it in the chair. I cut a lock of her hair, stuffing it with trembling fingers into the purple liquid, and then did the same for mine. Luckily, it was all set up, presumably for an experiment the next day. Pushing the button just outside the door, I ran for my own seat, prepared for chaos of the swap. Lights, noise, heat, pressure.

I opened my eyes, hoping with every fibre of my being that it had worked, and saw me. My body had slipped down to the floor, as, luckily, the sleeping pills effects had been transferred too.

It worked.

*

The next morning I woke early, excited to try out my new body, my new life. The shower felt incredible on my new body. My senses seemed electrified since the swap. My skin soft and smooth, my hair long and silky in the water. And her products!! So many of them, each smelling like one small aspect of her delicious, unique scent. I spent an hour in the water, trying all of her expensive products, exploring my new, perfect body. I dressed slowly, searching through her designer wardrobe, trying on dresses, cropped shirts, short skirts, all things I would be far too insecure to wear on my own body.  I wondered why she bothered with such nice clothes, as literally a potato sack would have been flattering. Choosing a revealing outfit inappropriate for the daytime, I saunted downstairs, marvelling at the confidence this body gave me. Eyes turned to me the instant I walked into the breakfast hall, taking in my bare legs and exposed midriff with admiration and jealousy. Three separate tables smiled and beckoned to me. This was going to be fun! I chose the one furthest from the door, enjoying the power I felt walking through the tables. I sat as a cute boy I recognised from a party launched into a long story about his latest hookup, shooting glances at me every few minutes, seeking my approval, seeing if he had made me jealous.

I laughed when it felt right, noticing how the rest of the group would laugh when I did. The power I was feeling!

Then, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I noticed my old body staring at me, fury in her eyes. I suppose Ava must have read the note I left explaining what I had done, tucked in her hand as I put my old body to bed. The boy talking noticed me staring at her.

“What’s up with Sophie? She looks so mad”

“No idea”

“Ignore her, what a weirdo, kinda ugly too”.

I was a little hurt, it was my body after all. But this was my body now, beautiful, perfect.

I laughed, revelling in the sound, tossing my long hair over my shoulder.

The next few weeks were a blur of people, admiration and laughter. It was lucky I had been so observant of Ava and was able to slip easily into her life, remembering people’s names and their connections to me and each other. I slept with countless of the hottest college boys, each time dismissing their attention after and their pleas for a date. I fell into a rhythm of parties, activities with my endless friend group, flirting and spending time at the beach with my perfect body. A number of times Ava in my old body attempted to talk to me, but I convinced my friends that she was stalking me, weirdly obsessed. From then on, they wouldn’t leave my side, and would glare at her if she came too close. She looked miserable and angry. I was so, so happy.

My grades fell as I had very little time for study and classes, but I couldn’t seem to make myself care. I was far too busy living what I knew to be the perfect life. This was until the day of the presentation assignment, in a class I shared with Ava. Underprepared, I stumbled through it. As my old body walked to the front of the class, I grinned at her, ready for her to be laughed at. At least she would do worse than me. She stood shyly in front of the class, and began to speak. She spoke clearly, gaining confidence as she went, diving deep into points I hadn’t even considered. She seemed well-practised. The more she went on, the more a knot in my stomach grew. She wasn’t worse than me, she wasn’t even average. Ava’s speech was perfect. I noticed with a jolt that she looked different. Her skin was clear, her hair was glossier. Even her teeth were whiter. After class, the professor asked me to stay behind. She told me off for being underprepared, reminding me of the grades needed to stay at college. I stammered through an apology, keen to return to my new friends and  the bubble of happiness that hadn’t left since I body swapped.

However, my friends weren’t waiting for me at the door as they usually did. I rushed to the food hall where they were laughing and chatting. I joined them, but no-one seemed to notice, and I had nothing to say. Something felt different, and nothing could lessen the knot in my stomach.

That night I dreamt I was in a forest, the smell of pine and flowers and decaying leaves thick in my throat. I was surrounded by people but felt alone. I tried to speak, but only air could escape. I tried to scream, to cry for help, but no one listened, no one even looked my way. I realised I was held in a glass container, a box that separated me from the others. Blank faced, the crowd turned and left me. The smell of decay choked me as tears ran down my face onto the forest floor.

That moment marked a change, in both me and Ava. She stopped trying to talk to me. Her grades skyrocketed, and she was soon top of the year. People began to look at her, notice her. People wanted her, I saw it in their eyes, heard it in the stories of parties I wasn’t invited to anymore. Her style changed, clothes that fitted her, flattered her. I noticed. Her hair grew and she wore it out in waves, softening her sharp features. The knot in my stomach grew. Her body, childish, gawky and awkward while mine became athletic and elegant. My nails became bitten down till they bled. She laughed more, and people laughed with her, friends, my old friends. My hair began to thin, and I often found clumps of it in the shower. Her lips, once bitten and peeling became soft, her eyes once piercing and birdlike became sparkling and intelligent. My friends began to care less about my opinion, and would barely go to me for advice. She was constantly orbited by an ever growing group of friends. My grades were so low that the college was threatening expulsion.

I couldn’t go on like this. I thought I had chosen the perfect life, the perfect body. Why wasn’t it enough? How could she use my body and gain so much from it, while I had struggled my whole life.

“Please Ava”,

“Please can we swap back”.