Ethereal, untouchable, unobtainable. She smelt like the forest, like flowers, fresh air, damp leaves, pine. Ava sat in the lecture, her desk positioned in a patch of sunlight streaming through the dusty windows. It illuminated her long thick hair, which glowed like lava rippling down her back. She hummed slightly as she drew, totally oblivious to the maths being taught, and unconcerned with the longing glances many of the boys, and some of the girls, were throwing at her, that I was throwing her. The bell rang, shaking me out of my jealous, longing daydream. Before I was even halfway through packing up, Ava was halfway across the room, the boys scrambling to walk with her to lunch. Ryan got there first, his loping walk hurried and then slowed to match Ava’s, already cracking jokes and flirting. The rest of us filed out glumly. She took the glow and warmth with her, tangled up in her long hair and perfect laugh. I knew I wasn’t the only one obsessed with her. She was everyone’s dream girl, dream best friend, dream body swap. Every single person in college wanted to be her, or be with her. I wasn’t quite sure where I fell in that binary. Like the moon guiding the tides, she directed what was trendy to wear and do. She would never explicitly say, but we would all understand. She was always the first, always the leader, never the follower. I was enthralled by her. Everyone called themselves her friend, but she never truly seemed close with anyone. She was beyond us all, but loved by everyone. Ava did well at uni, without seeming to study or care. She passed her class time drawing or daydreaming, distracting everyone around her. Perhaps only the lecturers, who I could see were frustrated with her lack of focus and always a day-late- assignments, had thought negatively of her. But they didn’t understand.

Unlike her, I cared about uni. A little too much. I tried so hard, but never seemed to get beyond a B grade. Uni work occupied my every waking moment. Obsession. I carried with me a constant knot in my stomach of panic about deadlines, grades, assignments, exams. This knot followed me when I fumbled my way through college friendships, one-night hookups, nights out in clubs where I spent the whole time stressing about the next day, even while the …